Genre: New Adult
Release Date: TBA
(All excerpts are unedited and subject to change)
“Nothing’s wrong,” I try to pull his lips back to mine, but his head won’t budge. He just stares down at me with a forceful glare.
Resigned, I ball my fists over my eyes and sigh. “What do you want me to tell you? I’m insecure? I’m trying not to think about all the women you have all over you? Or of all the women you’ve had?”
“You’ve been with other people?”
“One other person Ryan. One other person besides you, and it was a disaster. I don’t even think it counts.”
“What do you mean?” he asks confused.
We never did dredge up my intimacy issues or talk about my sexual past, if you could even call it that. One boy my sophomore year of college, the all around nice guy I could never pull the trigger with. Even though I tried, desperately. I couldn’t muster up enough courage to go through with it. I was so messed up after Ryan; I had trouble letting anyone in.
Sexually that is.
We’d start but never finish. And the one time it got to the point of penetration I absolutely freaked. We stopped speaking after that and I’ve sworn off men ever since.
“Intimacy was hard for me,” I tell him, “because I was always afraid I’d wake up, and who ever I spent the night with would be gone. I didn’t want to hurt like that again,” I look away from him. This conversation sucks. I don’t want to look weak. It’s a character flaw imbedded by my father. Remington’s aren’t weak. They don’t show emotion. They don’t even have emotions.
I’m not a very good Remington.
“Alana,” he coos, and I want to slap him. Maybe kiss him, “I didn’t know.”
“I didn’t want you to know.”
“You have to talk to me.”
“Talking isn’t my problem, Ryan.”
“You didn’t tell me,” he stipulates, “Do you really think I’m not going to be here in the morning?”
I shrug, because for all intents and purposes I do believe he’ll be here tomorrow, but there’s still a hurt, eighteen year old girl inside me who needs to come to terms with what happened. That Ryan didn’t leave because he wanted to. He made a choice that affected more than just us. And it hurt us both equally the same.
“I don’t want to disappoint you,” I mumble, and now I’m beet red. I’m pretty sure when Emily told me to vulnerable in Ryan’s arms, she didn’t mean like this.
“Alana, you could never disappoint me,” he shifts while still on top of me, “I may have had more lovers than you, and I may take my clothes off for countless women, but you are the only one who can strip me bare.”
Marissa Carmel has loved writing ever since a young age. She has a dual degree in History and Political Science, but took as many creative writing classes in college as she could. She spent most of her twenties bartending, which is where she met her husband and a multitude of interesting people. When she’s not reading or writing, she’s hanging out with her family, experimenting in her kitchen or doing yoga on the living room floor.